Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Too much gin, very little bucket
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
