I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
