I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
