Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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