i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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