he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
