i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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