Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I love you. Go after that dick
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
