The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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