I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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