The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
