I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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