We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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