If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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