Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
