How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
