my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
