I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
