Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
