Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I checked into jail on foursquare
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
