I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
wow bdsm is so cute
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
