True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
