I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
