if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
