Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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