that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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