I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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