I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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