Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
