The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
