my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
