woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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