I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
