Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
