i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
