I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
