Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
