My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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