my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
