Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
