I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
