I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
