just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
