My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
