I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
