Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
