so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
