My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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