swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
