Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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