This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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